5 of the Most Outrageously Dumb Florida Crimes

Unfortunately, when crimes happen in the Sunshine State, the world looks on and thinks “That’s so Florida.” When we first heard this saying, it made our skin crawl, but today it makes us laugh. In reality, most (North) Floridians are kind, friendly, and hard working people. Now, the other part of the state may be a slightly different story. The following list of real dumb Florida crimes will truly leave you thinking, “They did what?!?” Continue reading to be amused, amazed, and inspired to read a book. 

Woman Calls 911 Out of a Failed Pot Deal

Over the last year, the drug “flakka” has risen to prominence and caused people to do some crazy things. According to June 11, 2015’s report by WPLG-TV, a woman called 911 because of a “business” deal gone sour. Daneshia Heller (19), called 911 to report that a man took $5 from her to purchase pot, but never returned with the product. After calling 911, she told the dispatcher “He got my money, and I want my drugs. Can you send an officer.” If you don’t believe us, you can actually listen to the 911 call here (Warning: Audio contains explicit language). To make matters worse, Heller was in possession of flakka when the police arrived. As a result, Heller was arrested for the misuse of the 911 system and for possession of PVP.

As Seen in Hollywood

Everyone knows you can’t do or believe everything you see on TV! Well, someone should have told the not-so-bright aspiring drug mule, Regis Walker. After watching the movie “The Mule”, the South Florida woman had a bright idea of how to smuggle  1.5 pounds of cocaine from Jamaica back to the U.S. As she attempted to make it through customs, agents took her aside to conduct a baggage search and interview. She agreed to pass through the X-ray, which revealed 54 drug pellets in her body. She used honey to help swallow the pellets and was quickly arrested on cocaine smuggling suspicions.

Even better, she may have already been under surveillance due to an odd March 16th incident she had at the airport. After returning to Ft. Lauderdale on a flight from Jamaica on March 16, she told officers she was offered $4k to eat a “gummy substance” that she thought was drugs. On this occasion, she said she didn’t do it and was released after being interviewed. Way to get it right the second time around Regis Walker!

I Kissed a Snake and Didn’t Like it!

According to Bay News 9, a Wimauma teen was in critical condition at Tampa General Hospital after he was bitten in the face by a snake. The Young Einstein, Austin Hatfield (18), said he was simply trying to get the snake to pucker up for a kiss. The previous week, Austin found the water moccasin (cotton mouth) and decided to keep it as a pet. His best friend, Jason Belcher explained that Austin reguarly kissed the snake on the head and on the mouth. The little Evel Knievel even kept count of the number of times he and the snake locked lips, which was 12. Unfortunately, the snake wasn’t in a kissing mood on April 22, 2015, and the 13th attempt was anything but lucky! To add insult to injury, the Florida Fish and Wildlife opened an investigation on Austin because he didn’t have a permit to have the dangerous and highly venomous snake. Touche Austin, Touche!  

No Child Left Behind…Under the Age of 10

If Florida is indeed the no child left behind state, why didn’t you guys tell Kristen Grodetz and Jessica Barker? According to the Orlando Sentinel on July 1, 2015, the two women went into a Kissimmee Publix and loaded up their shopping carts with approximately $476 in food and other items. After being stopped by an employee, the two women dashed and managed to escape with a toddler. Unfortunately, they left two 11-year-old-girls behind.

Deputies then called one of the women, and she said she would return for the girls. Several hours passed and neither of the women returned. It wasn’t until three days later when Kristen Grodetz turned herself in to the authorities. As a result, the police contacted the Department of Children and Family Services, who took custody of the children. Both of the women were charged with grand theft, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and child neglect.

You’re Having an Affair…With a Sex Toy!

As a Tallahassee family law firm, we deal a lot with failed relationships and infidelity. However, we have yet to encounter a story with such bad vibes. We couldn’t make this stuff up if we tried. According to the Bradenton Herald, Triston D. Horne managed to maintain a friendly relationship with his ex-wife. As a matter of fact, he was spending nights at her Bradenton home, and things were humming along nicely.

However, things took a turn for the worst on July 1 at 2:30 a.m. when Horn accused his ex-wife of cheating on him. He said she was having extra-post-marital affairs on him with a….(wait for it)… a sex toy. He then grabbed and twisted the victim’s left arm. In a rage, Horne came back to the room, grabbed her partner in crime (the snap toy) and snapped it in half. The victim and her daughter managed to push Horne out of the house, but he came back and stole the victim’s phone while they were asleep.

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